There is something I would like to get off of my chest. Most of you probably know this, and for those who do not please know this is just a way for me to vent... not to receive pity or make anyone feel bad. Consider that your warning, and know that I really mean it.
In June, Mike and I had a miscarriage. It was hard, sad, frustrating, exhausting, draining, etc., etc., etc. We didn't tell many people we were pregnant, as we were early on. Tears were shed, and we moved forward in the process to try again. Month after month we saw nothing but negatives. That will really wear on you. I keep trying to be positive, hope that it will happen tomorrow, etc., but there is still a lot of guilt. Each month I took an ovulation test daily (yes, daily), and even took pregnancy tests monthly with the hopes that maybe I misread the "smiley" or line, and by some chance I was in fact pregnant. But alas, every day and every month we were greeted by negatives. My mantra has become "Next month will be our month".
The internet is a wonderful thing, but has contributed to the constant thoughts of "what was that weird pain/feeling?" "Am I ovulating/implanting, etc?" Insert any other pregnancy symtom into any of these thoughts, and I guarantee that I have had the thought. Many times. Many, many times. I feel guilty for obsessing with the thoughts, but I can't get them to go away. too much knowledge, I guess. Or maybe its just such a strong desire to be a mom. Logically, its both.
In the meantime, all of our friends have announced pregnancy. And please understand that this is not saying we are not happy for you all- we truly are. But I can't help feel a sting of jealousy when I hear. My heart hurts because I want it so badly. I see the joy, excitement, worry and pride in my friends' face and want to feel it badly. We are at the age where all of our friends are having babies, and beginning the next stage of life, so pregnancy announcements are to be expected, right? I certainly expected them, but selfishly thought I would be one of the first to share the exciting news.
That was our plan- to be pregnant by May-July so I could take maternity leave the last months of school AND have all summer to adjust to being a family, raising our child, etc. Nothing was/is going according to our plan. A good life lesson, but really? That is the only way the powers that be could teach me that?! Really??
After many doctors visits and calls that all ended with " keep trying and after a year we will look into why you are not getting pregnant". Out of stubbornness, I called a doctor for a second opinion, and i am so glad I did. I was immediately diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), and was put on Clomid (a fertility drug). Elated to finally know that there is a real medical reason why I a) cannot lose weight no matter how hard I try (including training/running a half marathon) and b) was not ovulating regularly, so my chances of getting pregnant are significantly limited. Mike and I are happily exploring this option because we want nothing more than to be parents.
You would think this would be the end of my tale, but it is not. My real beef? Those who feel that they have a right to have an opinion about my life choices. For example, at the dentist recently, the dental assistant (after learning I was on Clomid) launched into a speech about using fertility drugs to get pregnant, and the morality of them. Excuse me?! This is not the first, or probably the last experience we will have with this. We will continue to get the question asking when we are going to have kids. We will give our standard joking response that we are "practicing" and paint our smiles on our faces. But truth? These questions are hard. There is a lot of emotional baggage we are carrying that we are pro's at not letting show....
